The Emperor's New Clothes

Once upon a time there lived a vain Emperor whose only worry in life was to dress in elegant clothes. He changed clothes almost every hour and loved to show them off to his people. KBC III has begun with the King pretending to be the Emperor, the Raja pretending to be the Shahenshah! He has for company the entire battalion of the Star Parivar being led by the brilliant SidB who have spared no efforts in wagging the fucking shit out the dog and engineering this entire illusion. I would like to believe that this is not going to end up as a diatribe (which it seriously should considering what we are having to put up with!) but also examine a few issues related to the entertainment industry in India, its barriers and frontiers and the 'wag the fucking shit out of the dog' syndrome that is gradually becoming its cornerstone.

Word of the Emperor's refined habits spread over his kingdom and beyond. Two scoundrels who had heard of the Emperor's vanity decided to take advantage of it. They introduced themselves at the gates of the palace with a scheme in mind. "We are two very good tailors and after many years of research we have invented an extraordinary method to weave a cloth so light and fine that it looks invisible. As a matter of fact it is invisible to anyone who is too stupid and incompetent to appreciate its quality." Since the start of his career the King has had a complex about/with the Shahenshah - having achieved a helluva lot with sheer grit and hard work and talent - credit to be given where due - it was almost a foregone conclusion that when the Shahenshah was taken ill and had to discontinue with KBC, his King in waiting would be the automatic choice (was this correct? More on this choice a little later). This is something we all know - but making this transition would not have been easy - it would have been very difficult because the Shahenshah had succeeded in weaving such a web of magic and branding that it would have been impossible to step into his shoes without seriously affecting the show itself. SidB and Co realised this and so did the King ... thereafter what you get is a King being a buffoon ... designed in such a manner and shoved up your arse in such a way that you have no choice but to sit and watch the buffoonery if you want to see the show!

The chief of the guards heard the scoundrel's strange story and sent for the court chamberlain. The chamberlain notified the prime minister, who ran to the Emperor and disclosed the incredible news. The Emperor's curiosity got the better of him and he decided to see the two scoundrels. "Besides being invisible, your Highness, this cloth will be woven in colors and patterns created especially for you." The emperor gave the two men a bag of gold coins in exchange for their promise to begin working on the fabric immediately. The most significant tinkering had to be done with the 'tone' of the show - out went dignity, in came tomfoolery; out went spontaneity and in came formulae - a formula to start and a formula to end; a formula for events and a formula for the non-events. Mercilessly, the traditions that became cult with the previous series, were sacrificed at the alter of a narcissistic King in the guise of 'youthfulness', 'newness', and god alone knows what else and after massages and hugs what next! The King set aside his busy schedule and SidB & Co unleashed a media blitzkrieg to enthrone the charlatan Emperor consuming the airwaves and mediaspace. The King oozes from every pore a desire to hold, touch and feel his subjects and show that he is like them - 'I am very likeable, see' - 'at least give me that Oscar, now' - 'watch my clown act, i too can be myself when i want to' - 'please please please love me everyone - muuahh'. As was very wisely put by someone - when you won ten thousand with the Shahenshah you felt as though you had won a crore, with this joker you are going to feel you've won only ten thousand when you win a crore!

"Just tell us what you need to get started and we'll give it to you." The two scoundrels asked for a loom, silk, gold thread and then pretended to begin working. The Emperor thought he had spent his money quite well: in addition to getting a new extraordinary suit, he would discover which of his subjects were ignorant and incompetent. A few days later, he called the old and wise prime minister, who was considered by everyone as a man with common sense. "Go and see how the work is proceeding," the Emperor told him, "and come back to let me know." The opinion is divided. The reviews have poured in thick and strong but without conclusion. Somehow it has become a comparision of TRP ratings and personalities and aura and stardom and popularity. SidB & Co have got what they set out to achieve - or so they think! In short, you can hate him or you can love him but you can't ignore him is what we are being made to believe. In order to deconstruct this - for attempting to do so would be attempting to enter the the popular mind along with what makes things tick in it - translated - it is like attempting to deconstruct Ballywud in the least and entertainment in India at the most (aren't they synonymous!)

The prime minister was welcomed by the two scoundrels. "We're almost finished, but we need a lot more gold thread. Here, Excellency! Admire the colors, feel the softness!" The old man bent over the loom and tried to see the fabric that was not there. He felt cold sweat on his forehead. "I can't see anything," he thought. "If I see nothing, that means I'm stupid! Or, worse, incompetent!" If the prime minister admitted that he didn't see anything, he would be discharged from his office. "What a marvelous fabric, he said then. "I'll certainly tell the Emperor." The two scoundrels rubbed their hands gleefully. They had almost made it. More thread was requested to finish the work. In order to begin the deconstrucution I am going to use the 'phone a friend lifeline' and take recourse to some 'discussions' (heated arguments is more like it!) had with Dr. Dodo (yes, that is his name and if you please he is a very good doctor - not in the manner the King was asking a contestant doctor - why do you need to practise [being a doctor] if you are a doctor - its there in the title track as well if you think I am goofing around). Dr Dodo loves the King and hates the Shahenshah. He wants to know why the 'prince'(?) wears a headband like a pansy; why the 'prince' is such a sissy and an ignoramus when it comes to his marriage (apart from the issue of who this marriage is being engineered with); why the Shaheshah is now resorting to sleeping with little Lolitas? He loves the King because he has never deserted his Queen for another woman despite having the opportunities to do so - unlike the Shahenshah. Hence, anything to do with the Shahenshah is crap. Yes, I have tried telling Dr. Dodo that this has nothing to do with KBC and that the King swings both ways with the Queen too getting her share of the action on the side - but he's not convinced.

Eventually, the Emperor received the announcement that the two tailors had come to take all the measurements needed to sew his new suit. "Come in," the Emperor ordered. Even as they bowed, the two scoundrels pretended to be holding large roll of fabric. "Here it is your Highness, the result of our labour," the scoundrels said. "We have worked night and day but, at last, the most beautiful fabric in the world is ready for you. Look at the colors and feel how fine it is." There are a lot of people like Dr. Dodo on both sides of the fence who hold certain beliefs very close to their hearts and no amount of reasoning will ever penetrate through those beliefs. So, obviously it has nothing to do with reason then, does it? There would be no point in pointing out that when the Shahenshah started KBC it was considered a degradation in terms of status and the Star Parivar was not even born and the Shahenshah was in deep trouble on the personal front as well. The rest, as they say, is history! But, look when, why, where and how it all started. The King has no such problems today and neither does the Star Parivar - all they need to do is 'keep it together'. So, one one level the King seems the natural choice - but on another level he is absolutely the wrong choice. Who next? Do you really think that this buffoonery is going to last - the buffoon may get fagged out; his other work may begin to suffer; he may fall ill - or he may simply ask for too much money! Who next? The natural selection process ends here - Shahenshah Vs King - there are no others so far who have been designed or chosen to design themselves in this mould. What happens to KBC then? If the entire 'wag the fucking shit out of the dog' blitzkrieg is about loads of money then what happens to the cash cow? Is this the beginning of the end? Could it have been prevented? Were there other options? Why was this one only taken?

Of course the Emperor did not see any colors and could not feel any cloth between his fingers. He panicked and felt like fainting. But luckily the throne was right behind him and he sat down. But when he realized that no one could know that he did not see the fabric, he felt better. Nobody could find out he was stupid and incompetent. And the Emperor didn't know that everybody else around him thought and did the very same thing. Public memory is short. A reasonable mind can try to begin to understand that you compare like with like - a true comparision will happen two decades later when the King reaches the position the Shahenshah is in right now. So, why can we not be reasonable? Why are we like Dr. Dodo? Be it Pakistan, Cricket or Ballywud - why do we continously trip over 'the other'? "Even if there is no enemy, it will be invented." SidB & Co will invent 'the other', feed it, nurture it and even disown and dump it before you can blink for thier own agendas and you will fall for it hook, line and sinker - for your own agendas! Our passion for Ballywud is such that the entire Television industry here revolves around it surreptiously - there is no need to be creative or apply one's mind - copy & paste and eureka - you've got the TRP's and the moolah (it's always and only about money, honey!). The best of the shows are lifts from other shows or a pishpash of Ballywud. With this imagery being bombarded continously is it any surprise that our cultural brainwashing is complete with the remote in someone else's hand!

The farce continued as the two scoundrels had foreseen it. Once they had taken the measurements, the two began cutting the air with scissors while sewing with their needles an invisible cloth. "Your Highness, you'll have to take off your clothes to try on your new ones." The two scoundrels draped the new clothes on him and then held up a mirror. The Emperor was embarrassed but since none of his bystanders were, he felt relieved. "Yes, this is a beautiful suit and it looks very good on me," the Emperor said trying to look comfortable. "You've done a fine job." "Your Majesty," the prime minister said, "we have a request for you. The people have found out about this extraordinary fabric and they are anxious to see you in your new suit." The Emperor was doubtful showing himself naked to the people, but then he abandoned his fears. After all, no one would know about it except the ignorant and the incompetent. "All right," he said. "I will grant the people this privilege." Tell a lie so big and so many times that people will start thinking it to be true. Aside to the saffronites - hey guys, guess which 'pundit' is hosting the biggest TV show in India today! An issue aorund this angle is sure to come up sooner or later not only because the saffronites want their agenda espoused but because Ballywud (along with the Indian army) is the last secular bastion of life as we know it remaining - think about it. Hopefully, the buffoon King will not yield to the temptation of doing anything more stupid especially on those lines. Wag the Dog is the mantra today - oops - wag the fucking shit out of the dog! What choice does the viewer have anyway when the remote is not in his hands. Does he/ she even care to want to know the difference? When Ballywud has a tried and tested model of formulae clicking the box office registers why fucking bother. When the illusion does it, why tinker with the reality!

He summoned his carriage and the ceremonial parade was formed. A group of dignitaries walked at the very front of the procession and anxiously scrutinized the faces of the people in the street. All the people had gathered in the main square, pushing and shoving to get a better look. An applause welcomed the regal procession. Everyone wanted to know how stupid or incompetent his or her neighbor was but, as the Emperor passed, a strange murmur rose from the crowd. Everyone said, loud enough for the others to hear: "Look at the Emperor's new clothes. They're beautiful!" "What a marvellous train!" "And the colors! The colors of that beautiful fabric! I have never seen anything like it in my life!" They all tried to conceal their disappointment at not being able to see the clothes, and since nobody was willing to admit his own stupidity and incompetence, they all behaved as the two scoundrels had predicted. And then there is this teacher from Jeend, Haryana, Rachna Sharma in Episode 8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR5R-jLuQCo&mode=related&search who lets the King know precisely what she (and a lot of people - I am guessing here) think of his buffoonery. It begins with her telling him what she thinks about his acting and ends with her refusing to let the King hug her. There are a lot of priceless exchanges in the middle in which she conveys in no uncertain terms that he should not try to cross the line! However, while trying to find this clip, I also saw the comments on this particular episode most of which were very abusive towards this lady calling her a rude bitch and the like. This kind of thing makes me realize how important it is to pause - look around - and think.

A child, however, who had no important job and could only see things as his eyes showed them to him, went up to the carriage. "The Emperor is naked," he said. "Fool!" his father reprimanded, running after him. "Don't talk nonsense!" He grabbed his child and took him away. But the boy's remark, which had been heard by the bystanders, was repeated over and over again until everyone cried: "The boy is right! The Emperor is naked! It's true!" The Emperor realized that the people were right but could not admit to that. He thought it better to continue the procession under the illusion that anyone who couldn't see his clothes was either stupid or incompetent. And he stood stiffly on his carriage, while behind him a page held his imaginary mantle. Need we say more!

There was

is

and always will be

only

one

Shahenshah!

Should Olde Acquaintances Be Forgot

New Year's Eve 2007 photographs taken by an idiot who was obviously so smashed that he hasn't even managed to catch even an iota of the rocking time that we all had. All complaints regarding this issue can be addressed to the concerned person - our friendly neighbourhood caterer (aka chef of the president of India in Mizoram)! However, some remnants of the evening with awesome decor and music and of course - a tequilla sunrise...




Radhika Bose - the self styled Boss - in the foreground. Posh's hind definetly visible in circle with hot Ms. Keswick's back and there's Adit & Progga too in the background.



The Spadgy D being molested by the Xaverian Mr. Dey & Dr. Dodo - another Xaverian - really happy thinking about the nurses in the background - waass up!


Ishita and Elizabeth say Cheeeeeers in the foreground with Samit talking to someone and thinking about the NID postman in the background.


Sniffer dog Raja checking for contraband or looking for a place to ...


Sexy Toona the Lolita of our lives - after having given her phone number to some random people - being consoled by the Boss.


Yes I know we're the only ones with the appropriate attire and our thunder thighs are being checked out.


I'm the dude - with the 8 year old daughter - 'Knocked' by Posh. Ved and Rashmi can be just about seen in the background


Tungar with his date Ghazal not too happy at being gyan'ed' out of the scene.


Obviously the photographer of this series has some affection for these people. That's Tanmay on the phone.


Govinda in a very pensive mood - tonite also the chicks deserted me - whatta start to 2007.

Friends are like the sea forever shaping your destiny!
And in the choice of a horse and a wife, a man must please himself, ignoring the opinion and advise of friends. Happiness is not something you expereience, it's something you remember.

Poppadum

What is 'Poppadum"? (That was 'one' of the names that the Shitty starlet was called on Big Bother - BTW). I was under the impression that the Mallus' in Caylicut invented the term for sweet young nubile boys and fondly refered to them as 'Pappadam' - Crunchy - hmmmm!!! And as is always the scenario, 'Pappadam' seemed to catch a lot of people's fancy in Malluland and migrated to being used to describe a host of species and things and situations, stemming from the same Crunchy flavour, but not restricted to it. So what the fuck is 'Poppadum'! And how can the Shitty starlet be refered to as a 'Pappadam' (if that was the intent with the pronounciation going awry) - its disrespectful to the 'Pappadams' the world over and they should rightly be livid about it. Strangely enough it's not the 'Pappadams' the world over who are 'going bannanas'. The people of two nations have gone in a tizzy over this 'slur' attaching 'racial' overtones to it. (The only race I can think of - thanks to TV advertising - for a 'Pappadam' - is of the Lijjat kind - apart from the Homemade kind - so frankly cannot understand the fuss).

It appears from all this hullabaloo that JadeG's calling the Shitty starlet a 'Pappadam' amounted to racism. Ofcourse, JadeG is stupid to say the least. She ought to have figured out that only an out of work, out of reckoning and ofcourse out of money film actress would have gone all the way from Balliwud to London to participate in an out of TRP reality show on TV. She also ought to have figured out that despite the 'out of everything' situation, a starlet is prone to the afflictions of the trade i.e. regular tantrums with a high and mighty attitude to mention just one - for god's sake the woman has never been seen without makeup (her own admission) and to be subjected to such indignity, not to mention doing regular housework - what on earth were JadeG & Co. thinking! To expect Mama's ladli to be couped up in a house with a guy shagging under a blanket in one room and cleaning toilets in another, with Mama having to shed tears on television channels in another country all together - poor baby.

The claws were out from the word go - should they not have been? Isn't it a kitty eat kitty world in Balliwud? What blew the fuse was an incident of rations - all the inmates (what better word!) were allowed to order their own rations and the Shitty starlet used 2 cubes of chicken stock from the 5 ordered by JadeG - and when confronted denied doing so and hence JadeG went ballistic and started the name calling - the video is avaialable at http://www.channel4.com/player/v2/player.jsp?initialClipId=5563. Coy crocodile tears are one method of handling the JadeG & Co types but with limited long term results and complaining to the head master about it never got nobody anywhere. The best way to isolate such riff-raff is to outwit them at their own game by not losing it despite the provocation. To have combined it all is a masterstroke! What else was to be expected from a person (and a family) who was charged with trying to extort money from the owners of Prafful sarees a couple of years ago by using the underworld.

JadeG are her cronies are no goodie-two-shoes. The debate can rage till kingdom come on whether they were being racist or not - to my mind they were behaving like bullies in a boarding school situation (and having been in boarding schools all my life I've been there - done that - and have had it done unto me as well!) and the Shitty starlet from Balliwud was a sitting duck for the taking - or so they assumed or were perhaps tutored into believing. They all ganged up knowing fully well the benefits that were to be reaped for themselves long term TRP wise as well as short term eviction wise. Racism, Discrimination et al are words, which in my opinion, for once humbly put, should be used with great care - there is, perhaps, a fine line between calling a spade a spade irrespective of colour, creed or caste and calling a spade a spade knowing fully well the colour, creed and caste; but an arsehole is an arsehole is an arsehole and that which we call an arsehole, by any other name, would stink as much.

What is appaling is the attitude of the media across the world and especially in Britain. The spin put to the story - the non-existent - racism angle, smacks of a 'rigged' match to boost TRP and sales. The events shown in the Big Bother house are edited and what is shown is what the channel wants you to see - hence it can be surmised that a lot of information has been selectively put forth based on an agenda towards a certain purpose. Within a day the Shitty starlet is asserting that she doesn't think there is anything racial about JadeG's comments - why and for what and whom? How in the hell is she aware of the row that is going on outside? It would be too much to suggest that all things have been preplanned from the onset but it would not be too much to suggest that the essential script was written at the onset and there after the story has been created with gay abandon by the entire media across the globe.

What a fantastic co-incidence that the prime Minister designate and Chancellor of the Exchequer should be on an official visit to India at the very same instant! What an even better co-incidence that the show has been losing ground on the TRP front for sometime! What a tragedy, that a nation, where the sun never set, has nothing else to talk of in its mainstream media today and where any polite voice of reason has been long drowned by the cacophony of tabloid hogwash! What a miracle that the Shitty starlet coins the words in the lines in a dialogue in a manner designed to hit certain targets! Has anything concrete come of it - have laws been changed to tone down what should or should not be shown on television or have some impact on the serious issue of racism? I will go to the extent of saying that this issue will in the long run harm the cause of the non-ethnic community in Britain and other communities elsewhere because they cried wolf at the wrong time and place for all the wrong reasons. And make no mistake about that - only 10% or so is the minority and should the balance have wanted to boot the Shitty starlet off the show, a kick she would have got too. And with time and a 'real' racism episode people will wake up from the slumber and then hopefully this episode will draw a parallell and be seen for what it is really worth -

'...a walking shadow,

a poor player that struts

and frets his hour upon the stage,

and then is heard no more;

a tale told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing...'

'Pappadams' the world over Unite - you too need to get a piece of the millions of pounds that the Shitty starlet is amassing in your name! JadeG needs to be immediately hired as their spokesperson. Together they could be called the 'Pappadam' twins. Copyright the word, copyright the merchandise - who knows how 'Crunchy' its gonna get in the days to come.

What you see is what you NEVER get!

PS. The starlet should meet Gurbani Judge of the recently concluded MTV India Roadies 4 - though Bani didn't win the contest she had the most people ready to voice an opinion about her and her antics on the show. Bani was universally hated by almost all the other particiapants and was 'nominated' every week for eviction from the very start of the show, but not only did she survive to reach the last stage but ended up almost winning the contest - it was a final vote 'against' her rather than 'for' the eventual winner. 'Racism' as was being projected by CBB is childs play compared to what this woman went through in Roadies - but did she cry and behave like a moron - no - she faced upto it and gave as good as she got, weaving a web of confusion that ended up foxing all the participants! Infact, she admitted that it was only when she realized the animosity towards her, did she get determined to stay and fight till the end just to prove a point. The girls hated her and the guys were led on a merry go round turn by turn - and she played by the rules. This post script is for all those who think that there is no other manner of handling the situation in a reality show.

Once upon a ...

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end,
which is always present ...

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden.
My words echo
Thus, in your mind.

But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.


Salvador Dali 'The Persistence of Memory' 1928-35

Other echoes
Inhabit the garden.
Shall we follow?


Courtesy Sir TSE who somehow fucking figured it fucking out !!!